Life by Lyric

I’ve been in a depression hole for about a month, working my hardest to climb out of it. Doing basic daily tasks becomes so hard for me in my depressive episodes, making my body and/or house dirty, making my depression worse, and perpetuating the cycle of bullshit. If you don’t suffer from depression, ADHD, or another similar mental health condition, you likely don’t suffer from executive dysfunction.

If you do have executive dysfunction, you totally get it, and I’m sorry.

Executive dysfunction, in simple terms, is your brain telling you that while you want to do a task, know you need to do a task, and know that the task is simple, actually doing the task is the hardest, most insanely soul-crushing thing you could possibly imagine.

When my depression gets bad, it’s two tasks for me. Showering and doing the dishes. I can give my daughter baths, tidy up, sweep and vacuum, organize, clean the bathroom, wash my face, you name it. But my Mount Everest is doing the dishes. Taking a shower is Kilimanjaro.

I. Just. Can’t.

So the dishes sit and they pile up and they sit and they pile up until they’re filthy. I wash enough for us to eat meals off of and then back into the sink they go once again. Rinse and repeat, literally. I wash my face, use wet wipes, and change my clothes as if I took a shower, but I didn’t. I mostly stay home to avoid contact with other humans who might find me repulsive. (This used to be easier when I was working from home.)

This past week, I finally pulled my head above water, out of the depths of a sea of depression. I took out all the trash that had accumulated in my house (3 kitchen garbage bags full). I threw away dishes that were too far gone to even be washed (one side of the sink full). I bought new dishes. I washed my remaining and new dishes. I took showers. I washed my hair. It felt good. How I managed to do that is beyond me.

I don’t have any secret trick to forcing yourself to attack your own personal Mount Everest.

I can tell you everything I’ve been told: just work on chores for 15 minutes a day so they don’t stack up, find a system that works for you, talk to your doctor about your mental health, take vitamin C to help your energy levels, use a UV lamp in the winter time to offset the lack of sunlight, ask for help, take baby steps, change your mindset *eyeroll*, and finally: just force yourself to do it (like it’s that easy, right? Like you wouldn’t have just already done that if you could?!).

I don’t think a single one of these things has ever helped me, but they might help you. Also, if your Mount Everest is related to cleaning, I did find some very helpful tips by reading KC Davis’ How to Keep House While Drowning.

One thing that keeps me going is knowing that somehow, someway, I will get there eventually. This too will pass just like everything before it has. I’ll have at least one day where my energy level is high enough to do the things.

Sometimes, I’ll even keep that momentum up for a few weeks or even months. At any rate, I know that I have done it before and I can do it again. I am capable.

I may not have the fix for what ails us, but I do want to say this: if you’re like me, you’re not alone. You’re not disgusting. You will be able to do this. You’re just sick and it just takes time.

In neurodivergent solidarity,

Lyric

*This post was derived from a blog post written on a previous blog last year.

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